the processing process. of feelings.

I think that I have pretty much accepted that I am a terrible blogger. Once again, sorry for the lapse of time between blogging. If you are reading this and have read before, you should probably just sign up to receive email notices of when I actually do blog instead of checking. Sorry!


But I do have a reason. Certainly not an excuse but a reason. As to why I think I haven't been much for blogging as of late.


Blogging requires processing feelings. And I haven't been so into processing feelings lately. It's painful. Julton and I will be moving to the US soon, and although I'm excited for that adventure and seeing family and friends, I'm so not so happy about all that I am leaving behind. Things change. People grow. Trujillo will be completely different one day when we see it again. And although both Julton and I are from more rural areas and not so used to a city, Trujillo is where we have made our life together so far. And it holds a lot of people that we care a lot about. People that have been irreplaceable as friends and mentors and for some helping us get through the first chapter of what it means to be married. 


I'm not really into processing all of those feelings about how I'm going to miss all of these people. But I am trying. Because when you don't process feelings... weird little outbursts start to happen. Like being in the market and emotionally breaking down on the lady that has been there for you day in and day out selling you veggies. She gets confused and you embarrassed. 


It's awkward.


Or just randomly spurting out a confusing mix of words to someone that you're not sure if you are going to see them again but you want them to know how much they mean to you although you don't want to have to tell them goodbye. And you are confused about if you are able to speak any language at all. 


Then you do it again the next time you see them.


That also gets awkward. 




So, here we sit in a nearly empty apartment. No stove, that we excitedly bought after having been married nearly a year. No washer that we were so thankful for after many a day and night trying to keep up with washing laundry by hand. Just some clothes and each other. Oh, and a cat :) all waiting to go to the jungle for a visit before we leave. I can process how much I appreciate the ability to have all of those things. And that it is going to be really weird to use a dryer to dry my clothes. But the people part, that's harder to process. 


But this morning I officially finished my last class with one group of my students. And the processing process has started. 
I'm really going to miss my students. They have kept me humble, made me laugh a ton, and I learned a lot of the English and Spanish language right along with them :P


Julton and I will be spending Christmas here in Trujillo, then we are on our way to the jungle for New Years and then off the the US!

media agresiva

Bit by little bit Peru, or grocery shopping experiences in Peru rather, have been turning me from my passive ways and a little more aggressive each day. I haven't figured out yet if that is a good thing. 


I'm really not a pushy person, and I am quite content waiting for what I want/need. Until it comes to the 3rd person in a row pushing in front of me to get in their order to the guy at the fish counter, then I start to get impatient. 


The first year I quietly looked on in shock. The second year I turned to giving the person dirty looks. This year... I've started speaking up.


And I have been surprised over and over again at how many people just look at me as though they haven't done anything wrong. Or like today when I told the impatient woman behind me in the check-out line that she was stepping on my foot and could she stop? She didn't say "sorry" she said... oh... "y como cocinas esa zapallito??" I started to get agitated and I caught myself catching her use the form "tu" instead of "usted" with me and all I could think was... excuse me? you don't know me and you've been stepping on my foot? what makes you think we are buddies? show some respect! 


I think it is time for me to spend some time in the jungle now, and get away from the city. 

aerosmith

I love these girls. Last week we practiced Aerosmith songs to prepare for the Aerosmith concert on Saturday night in Lima. Some of my students from different classes traveled to Lima to see them. So we practiced lots of especially "don't wanna miss a thing" which by the way Aerosmith, NOT COOL that you DIDN'T play it. NOT COOL. When you go to a foreign country to sing your music, artists should send a playlist ahead of them so that ESL students can practice the appropriate songs. 


Also not cool that you weren't very polite to my friends that traveled all the way to Lima to see you, along with all the other people in the crowd. I think the newspaper must have been misguided or told to praise you for your performance, but I heard what really went down. That for your encore you only played one song and then you didn't even say goodbye. Or if you said good bye it was short and not sweet and not heard. That no one knew you were actually finished until the lights came on and the speakers were being taken down. Again, not cool. Or polite. And it's been said that Bon Jovi was nicer. And Metallica cooler. I wasn't there but I'm just sayin'. 




*I don't usually get like that on here but... I was really excited for my students that worked so hard to go to the concert and sing the songs they worked on and loved! And disappointed that they came back home disappointed. 

on watch

She has been on watch since Julton has been traveling... and I might add that she is quite attentive especially when the police patrol by.. could have something to do with their blue lights that they always have on. 

We are very ready for Julton to be back though, the both of us. 

a view

Today it is not so foggy and I can see the shadows from the clouds, spread across the mountains that I can see across town from our office: 

(Sorry, the picture isn't as clear as I can see it)

We are very much blessed to have our office where it is, we are on the eight story and can see  all over the city. Although usually not so far, because of fog. When the fog swoops it, we can see it coming from the ocean and the foot hills of the mountains and starting to come toward the center of town.

West Virginia Executive

I remember a conversation I had with my mom, when I was old enough to ask innocent questions, but still young enough to listen and take every word for it. 


I grew up in a part of West Virginia that is greener in summer and whiter in winter than I have seen since, a part where anyone that is not a farmer has to travel 30 minutes to town to work or 45 minutes in the opposite direction to the city/ state's capital to work. And I never questioned it, or thought it was possible that we could live somewhere else. We had a huge garden with corn, tomatoes, lettuce, beans, squash etc.. and another garden just as big only for potatoes. I played in trees and caught crawdads in the summertime in the creek that ran in front of our house. I remember in the 5th grade while doing a project in class with a classmate having an argument with my partner over whether or not you could buy potato salad pre-made in the grocery store. I was very firmly standing on NO. We always made ours, and hardly ever bought anything pre-made. I was shocked when he showed me an ad in the grocery paper for potato salad. 


I remember asking a question such a long time ago, that shaped the way that I felt about my home. I asked my mom if it meant that we were poor because we lived in the country. I have no idea how I even came up with the question, I was probably at the age where I was starting to see that there were people that didn't live surrounded by, depending on the season, green, shades of red, or white mountains. 


And I 'll never forget what she responded with because it made complete sense to me and I didn't have a problem taking it for an answer at all. She said "No, Julie, we are rich because we can live in all of this space and have green grass to play in and woods to play hide and seek in."


-Now, I ad-libbed a little of what my mom said because although it did make an impact one me, and made me until this day proud to call my home my home, I can't remember the exact details of what she said. That is an issue I also still live with to this day. But you get the idea. I grew up really proud of my home. 


After I started to realize that other people had opinions about WV other than that of mine inside my bubble, is when all the confusion came. Confused because for me in a place where I could see so many good things, so many other people could see so many bad. 


Then it just started to get annoying. And now I find myself getting a little peeved when I hear someone explaining about the United States and not having one good thing to say about West Virginia. 




All of this to say, I appreciate the magazine West Virginia Executive. They are able to high light the state in many ways that may be common knowledge to someone that grew up there, but can go ignored by someone that's only been fed stereotypes. They have a new website up and running, you should go check it out! http://www.wvexecutive.com

technology

when i think of even the word technology, i can't help but think of the movie Napoleon Dynamite and the part where his brother sings all about technology at his wedding. And about how many times I and my friends watched that movie the year it came out, I'm not sure what that says about me or my friends.


I had a conversation with Gillian last night about how much more technology is at everyone's fingertips in the states. About how it's hard to even have a conversation with someone face to face without them checking their email, sending a text or talking on the phone. I remember thinking it was weird three years ago when I first moved to Peru because it seemed that there weren't any manners about cell phone usage, any where any time. And I thought that that had been different in the states, that someone wouldn't answer the phone while talking to you, but maybe I was wrong or maybe I was just living in my own imagination. Is that something that has changed? I understand the attractiveness of all the new advances in phones, ... but are people also giving their priority over to their phone instead of the person they are physically looking at, without a webcam?  Mind you, we were having this conversation -through skype/her phone- while she was on her way to meet a friend for a movie. But at least we hung up when she got to where she was going. 


All of that kind of confuses me and makes me think that I'm going to have to take a crash course in telephone technology to be able to operate when back in the states. And here I was excited this week because I got a new phone.... and I can plug in a headset and listen to the radio!! That's not to say that Peru doesn't have its own share of smart phones. There are the cheapest a company has to offer that are prepay phones, all the way up to iphones and blackberrys. Actually, finally I don't feel so bad laying my phone down on the table when teaching, bece my students, nearly all businessmen... are all up to date with the latest. 


Recently a funny thing happened in a class when I asked my students to pull out their agendas for an activity in class. As I pulled out my notebook which I had recently written in my own dates and spaces for activities... the girl in my class pulled out her agenda with a popular comic designed all over it, and the guy, the owner of the business, pulled out his Ipad. So as you can see, there are variety and I happened to be at the bottom of the chain on that one! It was comical. And personally, I prefer my notebook, but it may just be because I know how to use it and I can control it. If I need five spaces of notebook paper between weeks, well then I can do that :D  (what's ironic about that situation is that Peruvians have this image/stereotype of Americans that we all are rich..which is why it is important to be careful because you can be taken advantage of based on that stereotype)


I also know some other people, actually... the majority of my students, have three if not four phones. And they all ring, all the time. Between Nextel, Movistar, and Claro, which are all companies in Trujillo - if you run a business chances are you have all three companies, because its too expensive to call someone that has another company. So you need to have a phone in their company to call that person. Bleh. Talk about no room in your pockets. I heard that there's a phone out there that combines all of your chips from the different companies so that you can use it like one phone, but it must not work well yet because I don't see it around. There are still three phones in a row on the desk of my students. 

a read.

Source: npr.org via Julie on Pinterest

To travel internationally is to become increasingly unnerved by the way American culture pervades the world.

"[McDonald's] golden arches do not represent our most troubling impact on other cultures," Watters writes. "Rather, it is how we are flattening the landscape of the human psyche itself. We are engaged in the grand project of Americanizing the world's understanding of the human mind."

This book seems very interesting to me. Sometimes, as an American living in Peru I catch myself in some confrontation and say why can't you just get it? Or why is this a problem? And we just want the other person to see things our way or for us to be able to put them in a box. But then you start to see some things about their culture that make sense and start to feel iffy about your own... wow how great is our God to not only have created us but such intricate and different systems of people...


Go check out this article at NPR.


I recently went from reading nothing at all, as far as books... to having several to choose from. I'm reading...

It has been very interesting and helpful in seeing anxiety and 'codepence' aka peer pressure in a bigger way. Welch calls how we feel when we base our decisions on others, be it in a positive or negative way, a fear of man, and traces it back to the first sin. It makes anxiety seem like such a bigger ballpark when you think of it in that frame, you fear people more than you fear God. wow. Where I am in the book now, he is talking about Abraham when he asked Sarah to pretend to be his sister instead of his wife, and discussing that as a fear of man instead of fear of God, or trust in God. When you think of a Biblical figure such as Abraham struggling with something like that, it gives you perspective. 

peace

Source: ashleymdavis.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

When you are trying to make plans and carry them out and make them reality, and it all feels impossible and you just can't figure out how to make it happen - it sure is easy to let your heart be troubled and to let yourself be afraid. But we have a God that is bigger than it all, and He has a peace that is nothing like a peace that we could ever make up or imagine or invent, and is nothing like the peace and love and wishy washy feelings we think peace to be today, but something much more stable and concrete and ...given to us so freely when we are yet so undeserving. 


That's the kind of peace we are seeking.

"If I should have a daughter"

"I'm gonna paint the solar systems on the backs of her hands. So she has to learn the entire universe before she can say "Oh, I know that like the back of my hand"


And she's gonna learn that this life will hit you hard
in the face
waiting for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they life the taste of air.


A friend of mine posted this on facebook, and I loved it so much I had to share it here. I love this site TED. 


A little about Sarah Kay (from the TED website)
Plenty of 14-year-old girls write poetry. But few hide under the bar of the famous Bowery Poetry Club in Manhattan’s East Village absorbing the talents of New York’s most exciting poets. Sarah Kay also had the guts to take its stage and hold her own against performers at least a decade her senior. Her talent for weaving words into poignant, funny, and powerful performances paid off. 


Now 22, Kay is a successful spoke word poet and codirects Project V.O.I.C.E. (Vocal Outreach Into Creative Expression). Founded by Kay in 2004, Project V.O.I.C.E. encourages people, particularly teenagers, to use spoken word as a tool for understanding the world and self, and a medium for vital expression.

"A day with Sarah Kay reminded me of poetry's power to help us make sense of our lives, to see the world in a new way."

Deb Martin, Rowan University

mornings with zanax

we usually spend our mornings together when i'm not out in a class. i like to think that she appreciates it. she's quite a chocha (mamas girl) and she gets lonely (julton says i make that up, but you dont see the looks she gives when we leave the house) we hang out checking email and drinking coffee or tea (well, i do) and look out the window. 

but it's also inevitable that that quite time turns into...

.

which turns into this. i have to hold her head in my hand to keep her from attacking my hand or wrist. apparently her favorite parts of the human body to attack. usually following this sequence she pouts in the floor for a while before she comes back to attack... noted by noticing her sitting on the floor beside me contemplating me whiel her tail swishing and her eyes focusing in. i shoo her a way several times and eventually she comes back to contently sleep on my lap. and that happens... every time.

Iron & Wine

i much prefer listening to iron & wine live than from a cd. if only he would come to Trujillo...

green.

i was pretty excited about our lunch on saturday. it involved a packet of ranch dressing and baked "fried" chicken. i have had pictures of it... but.... i'm not posting them. i even deleted them from my camera and computer and am incredibly trying to erase them from my memory. you see, i got sick on saturday... and am just now getting over it (i hope). i don't know if it had anything to do with that food or not... Julton ate the same thing and didn't get sick. all i know is that at about 3 AM sunday morning... i was remembering that chicken like i never wanted to. enough said.
since then i've been a little fragile. its a funny and strange thing. one of my students had been sick with the same thing a couple of weeks ago... and his doctor told him it was because of the weather recently, it was making everyone sick. ...i've heard of the weather causing colds.. but a stomach illness?? i'm not convinced.
i am convinced however that ginger helps. to settle your stomach that is. because i gave it a try. i have always heard that ginger tea helps, but its been hot and i wasn't in the mood for tea. so i tried... a green smoothie. and no it wasn't green because it had kiwi in it, although it could have, it was green because it had spinach in it! fresh ginger, a handful of spinach, one lime, and fresh pineapple. it looked a little something like this: 

i found this recipe a while back and it interested me... but i never got up the guts to drink it. some people say it looks good... i'm not one of those people. i just couldn't get over the idea of drinking spinach. but after i tried it... i have to admit it is pretty tasty. Julton took one look at it and told me to take it slow! I've read on another blog of a lady and her daughter that drink them (green drinks aka smoothies or fruit juices with some leafy green added) everyday. she says she hasn't had a cold since. and her daughter is healthier than ever. i've read on lots of blogs that drinking the green smoothies helps them to feel better. i'm still not quite sure, i'm going to have to do some more reading. but today so far so good! (and that's better than i can say for yesterday)

sidenote: i was seriously considering going out to the beach today to get in some quality time between me and the sun, because today is such a beautiful sunny day... but have decided against it because i have several things to do at home and for planning my classes since i've been sick the past few days... i hope its this beautiful later in the week so i can have another chance!!!!

wholeheartedness.

the courage to be imperfect.

we can't treat other people with compassion if we don't treat ourselves kindly.

the wholehearted have and are:

willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.

the willingness to say i love you first, or do something where there are no guarantees... to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. -fundamental.

vulnerability issue: it's kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness. but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, of belonging, of love.

you are imperfect and you are wired for struggle... but you are worthy of love and belonging.

Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Brené spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartednes.

taken from her website: 

http://www.brenebrown.com

 I ran across this from another website and found it incredibily thought provoking. Any thoughts? I would love to hear what you think.

I am curious...

have you seen this or heard of it?


"Pray the Devil Back to Hell" tells the remarkable but little-known story of a small band of unarmed women who risked their lives to bring change to Liberia. Reconstructing the moment through interviews, archival footage and striking images of contemporary Liberia. Armed only with white T-shirts and the courage of their convictions, a coalition of Christian and Muslim women confronted cruelty and corruption, taking on Charles Taylor and the warlords and bringing peace to their country after decades of war. Their demonstrations brought about the exile of Charles Taylor and the election of Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Africa's first female head of state and mark the vanguard of a new wave of people taking control of their political destiny around the world.  (from their youtube summary)



I have read about the women that this documentary is of, before. But I haven't seen this documentary. I found it on their website, which I found through a personal blog of a fashion designer raising funds to go work with the group Amani Ya Juu in Africa. You should check out their blog, I thought it was fascinating.

christmas trees (tree)

i figured out how to use Picasa!! and to demonstrate... our christmas tree journey... from lights to ornaments to popcorn to homemade/us. :) i hope you enjoy!

in perfect peace

Encouraging Word

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
I never listened to KLOVE in the states... but since I've been living in Peru I ran across it and we listen to it in our home alot. Even our friend Kenedy who knows just a little English likes to listen to it. I like to hear the news stories and some of the fun stuff that's going on. It's also there that I learned that operation christmas child began in WV, I had no idea! We've even tried to call in a few times to win some free CDs... although I don't know if theyd be willing to ship oversees...
I went onto their website today, and found their verse for the day. It's funny how in different moments through various sources God can speak to us, even in different translations of His word. They've written it in New Living Translation. I usually read in English Standard Version, although my new Spanish/English Bible has the New International Version. There are so many! But, after reading that verse on their site, and contemplating it a big, I looked it up in the verses I usually read in and it just didn't jump out at me like the first. And I'm thankful that it did, I needed to hear a few words on peace. Peace and I have trouble keeping up a regular relationship. No matter how many times I'm told I can lean on God or reminded of His sovereignty, anxiety catches up with me. Anxiety and I are in a constant battle. It strikes at the oddest moments at times in small or large portions. I finally learned through a very wise and good friend/mentor to pray to God his glory or count how great He is or praying verses just like the one above.. instead of telling God all the reasons I was/am anxious. Because when you do that, you just get yourself caught in a circle and trust me, you don't want to be in that circle. Those kind of circles don't just make you want to go back to bed, they make you go back to bed. For longer than a nap. 
Side Story: One thing that often makes me anxious... too many people. A few days ago Julton and I went in search of some Christmas decorations for the tree... the little store that has all the pretty ribbon and everything you need... was smaller than our room, and filled... absolutely filled with pushy people buying ornaments as though it were the 23rd of December. I couldn't take it, we had to break into the store, take a quick look around, then dash back out to the street to discuss if we saw anything we liked. After doing that a few times over I waited outside by the guard and the kind of fresh air while Julton actually made the purchases. Thanks to God for giving me a husband that can understand me. 

I'm also thankful for old friends...today I met up at Starbucks with a friend I have known since I've been here. He's older, has kids my age (or older...) and we all called him Tio (uncle). He's a pretty busy guy traveling to and from Lima all the time for work. And even though he is Catholic he has been attending our services in the new church in the center of town for a while now. I had such a great time catching up with him. In a time when everything is changing and changing and changing again, all my old students have pretty much moved on, or moved to another city and I don't see them often, it was good to talk with him and have some familiarity. It made me feel like Heather and Gillian were back in town and SALI was still on the noisy busy street corner it used to be. Oh how times have changed. I also just recently got to spend some time with some old students, Angela (who now lives in the jungle, back with her family) and Johana ..who is expecting a baby girl!!! LOVED getting to catch up with those two. Angela and her aunt together have taught me to cook some great jungle food over the time I've bee here... and Johana... has helped me out with so many things, from introducing to my favorite salon to having her sister do my nails for the wedding. Those girls have been good to me. God has been very very good to me. Amen.

a cat. a cat!

it is quite possible that we are going to have a kitten friend joining our home this week!! (in approximately one week). i am pretty darn excited. i love cats. well.. most cats... well... im just not very much of a dog person. now... we have to start thinking of names... i haven't seen it yet so we don't know what we are going to call it.... but i wonder if i could get it to do some yoga with me..(or as Julton says... breakdancing...)
1. yoga cat

or just be as cute or awesome as any of these...2. adorable.

3. too cool.

either way... i'm just excited about having a cat. and having a little friend around here to make me smile... and undoubtedly sometimes make me not smile so much, but i'm okay with that. I'm counting down the days until it (she) comes. one week until thursday. Jultons not counting down the days. but he has accepted that its happening... we'll work on his love for it once it gets here. as long as it doesn't go near his books... or his pillow... i imagine they should be pretty good friends... or is that just me imagining.. hmm anyway... to be continued!

for warmth

I am so excited about this, I had to say something here too. I wrote on my other blog more about the subject, but I just had to share this here too, because I am so excited! I remember one of the churches I went to in college, had a crochet group.. and as an effort to be more involved with the church I joined... to say the least, I was the youngest! But it was a great time. This project reminds me of that time with that group of ladies each Thursday.

Lands End partnered up with the Foundation, Warm Up America. ( I say in the past because they have recently ended their project) The passed out their yarn to groups of knitters and crocheters, along with selected patterns, the knitters/crocheters used the yarn to make squares.. mailed their squares in and they were made into blankets to be passed out to families in need of a little extra warmth! As I was reading about their project I could feel my fingers tingling wanting to be a part of it all. I think it's such a great, thoughtful idea. This company willing to donate the yarn, and giving it to individuals to make in their home, then create blankets with it! I just love it! It makes me want to start that project here for next winter! It's certainly an idea...

garlic.

meet my breakfast:

or rather.... a more than half eaten version of my breakfast. 

toast with peanut butter, honey, bananas and just the slightest hint of garlic.

wait... garlic????

yep garlic. let me clarify.. it wasnt intentional. its what happens when your cutting board doesnt look used and you forgot that you had chopped garlic on it the night before you decide to put the toast/bananas down. 

as i was eating, i was thinking to myself... hmm this tastes different...its got a kick... wait, like garlic? they put garlic in the honey??! (i was trying a different brand). shortly after it all settled in and i remembered Jultons late night snack and my early morning don't remember anything comprehend much less... but really it wasnt so bad. and it made me remember when i was making/watching my friends mom make peanut butter.... and after she ground up the peanuts she added garlic. as i watched with my mouth agape... she explained that they always put in garlic and that it helps your body digest the fat in the peanuts. 

now, i don't know how true that is but she promises it does. but it made me search for some more garlic/peanut butter info. according to various websites garlic is considered an immunity booster, lowers high blood pressure, high cholesterol as well as helps prevent other heart disease, and according to some chinese studies may prevent cancer. that is... garlic eaten raw. because even though the garlic capsules may be  more appealing since they won't cause the odor that the actual clove will... real, natural garlic is the most helpful. 

when i was reading about the garlic, and considering when i actually eat raw garlic... i immediately remembered when Julton went on his trip to Uruguay, and was gone for a little over a week and I basically survived on hummus. i have a really bad habit of finding (when im eating alone) a food that i really like... then eating that for days on end. Which is exactly what I did with hummus. And is exactly why I reeked of garlic when Julton returned from his trip. I must have been had super immunity powers then. Because if you eat enough... it really will start coming out of your pores. 

But the hummus was soo delicious. I made sandwiches, ate it on vegetables, with chips, crackers, actually... i pretty much put it on anything i ate. note to self: in the event that you find yourself eating a lot of hummus or a lot of especially raw garlic in general... you should also find yourself showering more often, and letting the listerine do its thing for the full 60 seconds in your mouth rather than chickening out somewhere before the times up. 

so... you're inspired to eat more raw garlic right? tomorrow i might just be a little intentional with the garlic finding itself in my peanut butter. you may be shaking your head... but really, its quite tasty!!