28 April 2011

a membership


I haven't been able to figure out how to express my excitement and all the other feelings involved over these pictures. So I'll just tell you what happen. 

What you see in those pictures is our church from this past Sunday, April 24th, Easter and our first year anniversary. And you see me giving my testimony and becoming a member of the church. A surprise to many that were there that morning, since they thought I was already a member. 

You see a year ago when everyone officially changed their membership to the new church "Cristo Rey" (Christ the King)... I didn't join because I hadn't been a member of the church everyone was changing from. And since then, any opportunity I ever had to speak up and say that I wasn't a member... I didn't take. Because my social anxiety, which has hindered me in various ways for years, made me too self conscious to speak up and get the attention of going before the church and confessing Christ as my Savior and establishing my membership.

What changed?

God reorganized and prioritized the things in my life. Without going on forever about the details, this past year has been rough for me. I thought that in Peru I could hide from my anxiety. And I did, for nearly two years. But it caught up with me. And it spun me into such a self focused whirlwind of fear. The past few months God has really been working on my heart about this fear, and how it had become so big to me making me think God smaller and smaller. And when I didn't feel like I could see God in my life, he showed me how he was ministering to me (and had been) through my husband. Quite clearly. I am so thankful for Julton, I don't know how I ever would have gotten through this past year without having been married to him.

And I am very grateful to Pastor Wes Baker who listened to me and helped me to have the opportunity to share with the church my story, and have them receive me as a member. My story of depression and self mutilation as a teenager that turned into social anxiety at a later age that grew into panic attacks... that all later made me too self conscious and fearful of telling anyone. Sometimes it is still difficult for me to admit it, especially the first part. Because it is painful. Painful to remember and realize that it really happen. But that's the thing, it really did, and God has forgiven me and loves me despite my scars. And letting all of those things out into the open is such a relief. Having people in my life that understand my struggles and can pray for me and help me, is irreplaceable. 

I am so thankful to God for this past year. Difficult as it may have been in the midst of it, I can understand more how God has a purpose that's not necessarily our purpose, for everything.

PS: all of those photos I 'borrowed' from our churches facebook page where others from our church that had put up pictures.

18 April 2011

like the wind

This morning you have dressed in happiness
like everyday since I've seen you walk
always fighting in this mediocrity
always rising above those that want to put you down.

I am loving this song, since... today when I found it, quite randomly acutally. I love the instruments and the rythm, and the fact that its a fun 'love' song without being a sappy ballad that gets played to death :D I hope that you enjoy it to!

Actually, there were some words in the song that I didn't understand so well, and wasn't sure if they were scandelous or not, because the translation good have gone either way. But thanks to a friend I am happy that it is drama free.

16 April 2011



When you are trying to make plans and carry them out and make them reality, and it all feels impossible and you just can't figure out how to make it happen - it sure is easy to let your heart be troubled and to let yourself be afraid. But we have a God that is bigger than it all, and He has a peace that is nothing like a peace that we could ever make up or imagine or invent, and is nothing like the peace and love and wishy washy feelings we think peace to be today, but something much more stable and concrete and ...given to us so freely when we are yet so undeserving. 

That's the kind of peace we are seeking.

lots of fangs.

That is what you are getting from this post. Because as I was trying to capture Zanax in her calm and peaceful moments and show off how big she is getting.... she went completely insane. She's going through this crazy biting phase as though she's a child getting teeth. She tryes to gnaw the skin off of your bones, quite literally. I'm really not into this phase in her life. 

04 April 2011

it happen.

And I don't think I have ever seen a hair stylist quite so content. I don't think he believed me at first but he was fast not to let me change my mind. I let him snip away at my hair and we chatted about how "wow, it really has been a year since you were in here "bossing me around  about how to" do your hair for your wedding!"

i've been really bossy and picky with him in the past when he's done anything to my hair. so when i went in and told him to do what he's been trying to convince him to let him do for a year now, i think our stylist-client relationship jumped a few notches. i finally trust him, and he finally appreciates me for realizing/appreciating/trusting his talent.

01 April 2011

from 25 to 20 to 15

there's a fun story about what happen to me in this but first:

i've been thinking about cutting my hair. like, not a trim... a real cut. and not just a few inches, like... a cut- cut. when i say i have been thinking about this, i must add its been for a period of about 2 years. and i've always chickened out because i have horror stricken memories of the first time i had my hair cut short... picture a high school freshman yearbook picture gone even more wrong that it was already destined. so, everytime my hair is cut they guy knows my limits and knows my reactions to him saying "what about this..."

recently i've been thinking about it again... and thinking more... and more... and while we were on vacation my hair, which is quite longer than it has ever possibly been since that fateful 9th grade year, drove me nuts. and i said over and over again that this was it. but then we got back to trujillo and it was colder and i started having second thoughts. 

until today.

i was walking back home from work mid-day and decided to step into a supermarket to add credit to my phone and grab something sweet to munch on. sometimes my sugar drops and i get shaky and weak. i'm okay i just know that I need to get some sugar into my system. i also tend to get agitated really easily with a "just give me some chocolate" expression plastered to my face. the closer i got to the store the more i started shaking... so naturally i stepped up the pace. i whizzed into the door. and nearly made it to the first aisle when i heard " seƱorita... your bag" so i stopped thinking that they would take my bag and put it in a cubby and give me a number to pick it up with (which is normal in the supermarkets). when i stopped and looked at him and noticed he was just looking back at me and we were standing there awkwardly, he said.. just leave it on the floor. this, also, is normal - for adolescents that just walked over from school. (it was time for the schools to be letting out) many a time i've seen lots of backpacks piled on the floor and wondered how they don't loose one or take the wrong one home. 

i looked at him and looked at the floor and looked back at him. and calmly told him i was not going to leave my (bright pink backpack) bag on the floor beside the door to the store. as he started to get irritated with me (his tone changed) i added, my computer is there, and no one has ever told me to leave my bag here before. he paused for a moment then whispered into his walkie talkie, eyeing me the whole time to make sure i didnta make a break for it (it was obvious that i was in a hurry) then when he was finished talking, with eyebrows raised he told me to go with my bag. 

but he and his friend with the other walkie talkie watched me the entire time i was in the store (i'm sure to make sure that i didn't steal anything)

and in that moment the decision was made... i'm going to the hair salon and i'm cutting this hair and he's going to make me look my age.... and i should probably stop carrying the bright pink backpack too, it's not helping my case right now. even though i carry it specifically to give off the vibe that i'm not carrying a laptop. since i walk a lot i have a fear that someone is going to rob me (i'm really opening up my chances by upping my walking frequency) so i'm probably going to keep carrying the bright pink bag anyway. but i really do wish that, even though everyone tells me i'm going to love it when i'm older, i could look my age or at least near it... and not like a teenager... because in the meantime getting confused for a child really stinks.

1 year

my heart is currently (still) on vacation, on a little quiet beach just outside mancora - a popular tourist/surf beach a 9 hour bus ride to the north of Peru. even though we arrived tuesday morning and i have had plenty of time to get back into my Trujillo routine, i'm just not there yet.  we have lots of great memories from our honeymoon (we couldn't taken one when we married)/ first anniversary (i can't believe its already been a year!)/vacation. lots of...

 dancing by beautiful sunsets...
 many long walks on the beach (when i could pull Julton away from the directv, ha!)...
 and eating incredibly delicious food.

we didn't really do a whole lot the whole 4 days that we were there... lots of sleeping and eating with not much change but location. and it was fantastic. the ocean was so blue, and so big, all we could see from left to right. there weren't even that many people there since this past week is awkwardly between tourist season and easter. we pretty much had the place to ourselves. with the exception of a couple of families that came for a day... i noticed that the mom would not stop staring at us, with such a disapproving look on her face. i looked around at us back at her and at us and our surroundings again and couldn't figure out what was going on with her. ... until i remembered later that we don't look our age (even when our real age is young to be married in peru) so the lady probably thought that we were a couple of teenagers that had ran away with our parents credit cards! 

i am very thankful to have had that time away with my husband, and to have Julton to call my husband. it has been a good year, and we are very blessed. Julton's dad was visiting when we got back to Trujillo and he told me that he thought our schedules were too busy and that we should get away at least once a month to spend time together. hmmm 

and here's a little video of the view from where we stayed, well, outside of where we stayed..


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